Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Subject for my Blog
I think I am going to take my blog in a new direction. A lot of thing have been coming up latly about Domestic Violence. I have had a few friends and some people around me ask for advice. I am going to put some info about what to do and how to get help and maybe a few ways to cope with this subject.
Danielle's Story
I am doing this blog not only as an outlet to help me with what I have gone through but as a way to help those who are afraid to get help or who needs information. Or those who just need to hear other people's story. I myself went through a lot of hurt and pain for about four in a half years of my life. Now I am happily married to a man that has the up most respect for me. He has never ever tried to hurt me, never called me a name. He has shown me that I a more than worth the crap I had been going through. For anyone that reads this there is help out there. You don't have to be embarrassed, You don't need to feel like this is all you will ever have. Its not your fault! In fact let me repeat myself "ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!" There is help out there and there are lot of people who are willing to help you get out of all this pain. Everyone desires the chance to have a healthy relationship and there is someone out there that is willing to give that to you. Its time to stand up and say enough is enough I am more than worth it and I will pick my head up and stop this right here and right now!! I am doing this to help whoever I can. If you are one of those in need or you know someone that is in need please email me. I will do everything that I can to help you in your time of need.
Where to go or who to call for help
I have set up a link for those who are in the Sacramento, Ca area click here for that link.
There is a National hotline that number is 1-800-799-7233, TTY 1-800-787-3224
Sacramento WEAVE is another really good place that offers all kinds of help thier number is 1-916-554-2400
I also found a teen line that is online. Click here to go to it. If you don't feel comforble with going online about it here is there 24 hour teen hotline number 1-877-419-7233.
If you or anyone you know is in need of these services please don't be afraid to call. This is what they do. No onw will ever judge you or tell you your wrong. They will help you as much as they can.
There is a National hotline that number is 1-800-799-7233, TTY 1-800-787-3224
Sacramento WEAVE is another really good place that offers all kinds of help thier number is 1-916-554-2400
I also found a teen line that is online. Click here to go to it. If you don't feel comforble with going online about it here is there 24 hour teen hotline number 1-877-419-7233.
If you or anyone you know is in need of these services please don't be afraid to call. This is what they do. No onw will ever judge you or tell you your wrong. They will help you as much as they can.
Questions About Leaving
Many victims of domestic violence ask these questions about leaving.
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
■Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later.
■Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
■If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody.
■Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return.
■If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.)
Where do I go?
■Stay with a friend or relatives.
■If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.)
■Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
■Or call 911 because it is a good start.
Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
■Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later.
■Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
■If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody.
■Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return.
■If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.)
Where do I go?
■Stay with a friend or relatives.
■If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.)
■Go to a battered women’s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
■Or call 911 because it is a good start.
Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary
Cycle of Violence
Incident
■Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building
■Abuser starts to get angry
■Abuse may begin
■There is a breakdown of communication
■Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
■Tension becomes too much
■Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up
■Abuser may apologize for abuse
■Abuser may promise it will never happen again
■Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
■Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
■Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
■Physical abuse may not be taking place
■Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
■Victim may hope that the abuse is over
■Abuser may give gifts to victim
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.
It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear
■Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Tension Building
■Abuser starts to get angry
■Abuse may begin
■There is a breakdown of communication
■Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
■Tension becomes too much
■Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'
Making-Up
■Abuser may apologize for abuse
■Abuser may promise it will never happen again
■Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
■Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims
Calm
■Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
■Physical abuse may not be taking place
■Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
■Victim may hope that the abuse is over
■Abuser may give gifts to victim
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.
It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear
The Wheel of Abuse
The chart above is a way of looking at the behaviors abusers use to get and keep control in their relationships. Battering is a choice. It is used to gain power and control over another person. Physical abuse is only one part of a system of abusive behaviors.
Abuse is never a one time event.
This chart uses the wheel to show the relationship of physical abuse to other forms of abuse. Each part shows a way to control or gain power.
What is Abuse? A Warning List.
Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.
Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.
If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;
■pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
■threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
■threatening suicide to get you to do something
■using or threatening to use a weapon against you
■keeping or taking your paycheck
■puts you down or makes you feel bad
■forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
■keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!
Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help
Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.
If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;
■pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting
■threatening you, your children, other family members or pets
■threatening suicide to get you to do something
■using or threatening to use a weapon against you
■keeping or taking your paycheck
■puts you down or makes you feel bad
■forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like
■keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work
YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!
Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help
Common Myths & Why They Are Wrong
Domestic violence is not a problem in my community.
■Michigan State Police records from 1997 show that a woman is killed by a partner or former partner about once a week in Michigan.
■In 1998, the Michigan State Police reported more than 5,000 victims of domestic violence in Oakland County.
Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.
■Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence.
Some people deserve to be hit.
■No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
■Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.
Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.
■Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 - 1.7)
■Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 - 5)
■Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 - 8)
Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
■Domestic violence affects everyone.
■About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. (Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman's Lifespan: the Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women's Health, 1999)
■In 1996, 30% of all female murder victims were killed by their husbands or boyfriends. (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997)
■40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family, 1996)
If it were that bad, she would just leave.
■There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim want to be abused.
■Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995)
MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE FREE LIVES.
■Michigan State Police records from 1997 show that a woman is killed by a partner or former partner about once a week in Michigan.
■In 1998, the Michigan State Police reported more than 5,000 victims of domestic violence in Oakland County.
Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.
■Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence.
Some people deserve to be hit.
■No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
■Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.
Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.
■Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 - 1.7)
■Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 - 5)
■Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 - 8)
Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.
■Domestic violence affects everyone.
■About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. (Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman's Lifespan: the Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women's Health, 1999)
■In 1996, 30% of all female murder victims were killed by their husbands or boyfriends. (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997)
■40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family, 1996)
If it were that bad, she would just leave.
■There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim want to be abused.
■Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995)
MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE FREE LIVES.
Definition of Domestic Violence
Definition
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:
■name-calling or putdowns
■keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
■withholding money
■stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
■actual or threatened physical harm
■sexual assault
■stalking
■intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
If you are being abused, REMEMBER
1.You are not alone
2.It is not your fault
3.Help is available
Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.
Examples of abuse include:
■name-calling or putdowns
■keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
■withholding money
■stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
■actual or threatened physical harm
■sexual assault
■stalking
■intimidation
Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.
The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.
If you are being abused, REMEMBER
1.You are not alone
2.It is not your fault
3.Help is available
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)